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Choose your parenting style

Parenting is a complex activity that includes many specific behaviors that work individually and together to influence child outcomes. Parenting is the process of raising and educating a child from birth until adulthood. Every parent has their own view on what their parental duties. Generally, the majority of parents admit that those duties are to provide for the basic needs of a child, whereas parents not only fulfill children’s basic needs but also develop their personality and mold them into unique individual which gives them identity. We have seen around so many children who are anxious, angry, aggressive, and have low self-esteem. On the other hand some children are confident calm and cool. There are identified three styles that parents used with their children: Authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive.  . Each parenting style has different level of demands and responses and the resulting child is different for each style.

Researches have shown that authoritative parents balance demandingness and responsiveness with higher competencies in children. Authoritative parent’s style is also termed democratic because though the parents set firm rules and have clear expectations, they allow discussion and promote independence in the child. Using this style parents encourage discussion and debates with their child. These parents are warm and supportive. Moreover they respond to their children’s need and wises. They believe in paternal control and they explain their children the reason for control. They also try to have their children to understand that both parents and children have rights. These parents also try to maintain a balance between individual rights and good socialization. These parents are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. Moreover their children are assertive as well as socially responsible, and self regulated as well as cooperative. According to Jennifer & Horbury (2001) “The children of authoritative parent’s process greater competence in early peer relationship, engage in low level of drug use as adolescent, and have more emotional well being as young adult”. If we look around the children of authoritative parents are socially competent, stronger academic performance, high self esteem, successful, articulate, assertive, energetic, friendly and cheerful. These children are not afraid of failure and are willing to meet challenges. Theses children are liked by teachers and peers, especially in culture where individual initiative is valued. This is the most recommended style of parenting by child-rearing experts.

Authoritarian parenting is highly demanding but is not responsive. Expression of love or affection is limited or even absent. People who believe in aauthoritarian parenting are usually very conscious about status and particular about discipline. They expect their order to be obeyed without any explanation being given. Moreover they do not give to their children the opportunity to learn from their errors. Their homes are always maintained in highly orderly manners and everything has to function with clockwork precision according to their rules. They also expect their children to accept their values, decisions, judgments and goals entirely and unquestioningly. They set absolute standards for shaping, evaluating and controlling the behaviors and attitudes of their adolescent children. Their children have no privacy or say in any matter. The parent tends to be highly intrusive and autocratic. They use weapons like withdrawal of love, shaming, and making the child feel guilty, to get their child to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. Children may perform reasonably well at school and may not display any behavioral problems as a result of authoritarian parenting. However, they often suffer from low self-esteem, high levels of depression and have poor social skills. They have never been engaged in verbal discussions or exchanges at home and consequently tend to be awkward and nervous conversationalists. Children and adolescents from authoritarian families tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.

On the other hand permissive parents display high level of warmth and low level of control in interaction with their children. These parents behave in no punitive, and affirmative manner to wards their children, desire and actions. In addition permissive parents have trouble saying no and setting boundaries and guidelines for their children. They tend to be lenient and avoid asserting authority, imposing control, restrictions or indeed any conformation whenever possible. Children of such parents are cheerful than authoritative parents, however they also tend to be more immature, impulsive and aggressive. Moreover they are poor in schooling, have low self esteem and self reliance, are anxious, immature, lack responsibility and lack self control. These children are bored and lack drive. Children with permissive parent may lack the direction and guidance necessary to develop appropriate oral and goals. Moreover they also show no or little initiative and spontaneity since they expect everything brought to them for their pleasure. They are self-centre and have no sense of boundaries. Adolescent of permissive parents learn that there are few boundaries and rules and that consequences are not likely to be very serious. As a result teens may have difficulty with self control and demonstrate egocentric tendencies that can interfere with proper development of peer relationship. The adolescents are more prone to engage in misconduct and drug use. When they are in trouble they simply blame others even it’s their fault.

Parenting is probably the most important public health issue facing in our society. I would say that children imitate and learn much more from their parents than most parents realize. Even the slightest behavioral misconduct is picked up by children and acted out in their own lives. Therefore, for parents should choose a parenting style that best fits how they would like their child to behave now and later when they become an adult. Parents should try and achieve a balance between having high expectations and displaying genuine affection. Only then will children be motivated from within to succeed.

 Reference

Jennifer, N., & Horbury, D. F. (2001). The effects of parenting styles and childhood attachment

 patterns on intimate relationships. Journal of Instructional Psychology

Connecting and Building Relationships with Parents for Better Outcomes in the Children You Work With

It’s well known that when professionals who work with children build strong relationships with parents, better outcomes are often the result. But how do you go about connecting with parents to forge meaningful, long-lasting partnerships? It’s not always obvious or intuitive, even to the best or most experienced professionals.

I’ve been on both sides – both professional and parent. In my days as a high school teacher, invariably my students improved in all kinds of ways when I took the initiative to reach out to their parents. Now, as a mother of a child with special needs, I see the wisdom, and the results, of professionals and practitioners who consider their relationship with parents to be just as important as their relationship with the children who are their patients, students, group members, etc.

Part of what I do is help professionals who work with children to refine and enhance their parent-professional relationship building skills. Here are some tips and strategies you may find helpful:

1.  Great communication is key.
How and when can parents reach you if they have questions? Interestingly, the more available you make yourself for questions and discussion, the more comfortable and confident parents will feel about you and your services.

2.  Offer ways for parents to help out.
Parents are often very grateful to you for the work you’re doing with their sons and daughters. If there are some simple ways they can be of help in your organization, practice, or agency, invite them to become involved.

3.  Invite parents into the classroom.
If you work in a classroom setting, make parents feel welcome to visit. This may be an open invitation, or a list of dates and times parents can choose from. Parents love to visit and see their children in action!

4.  Invite parents into therapy sessions whenever possible.
What they learn from observing you will make it easier for them to follow through at home.

5.  Be open to parent research and ideas.
Parents of children with special needs and special health care needs often do their own research and talk with other parents. They may bring you a copy of a study they found interesting, or they may ask whether a certain type of therapy, treatment, or classroom intervention might be appropriate for their child.

6.  Give parents copies of relevant articles, and recommend books you think they should read.
Even if they don’t read these right away, parents appreciate not only the information you’re giving them, but also the fact that you value their intellectual side.

7.  Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.”
As a professional, parents often see you as the expert. Constantly trying to live up to that expectation can be stressful and draining! If a parent asks a question and you aren’t sure of the answer, it’s okay to say you’ll look into it or do some research and then get back to them. Parents will appreciate your thoroughness.

8.  Acknowledge parents’ fears, worries, and hesitations.
Parents of children with special needs often have been through a lot with their children, and may be reluctant to try things that are new or different. Transitions are often difficult as well. You can help them along their learning curve by validating their feelings.

9.  Speak and write about the good stuff, too.
In your conversations with parents, and in your progress notes, always mention the positives. Tell of the child’s strengths, of some nice moments … find SOMETHING positive to say, even if on some days it’s a stretch! Parents of children with special needs are so used to hearing about what’s wrong with their child – they’ll be grateful for your insights into their child’s good points, too!

10.  Be a resource.
Especially for parents who have just received their child’s diagnosis, if you can recommend some local resources for them – such as a support group, organization, or agency, you will be doing those parents a HUGE favor. Often, these parents are too overwhelmed to find these resources on their own.

11.  Ask parents whether they’ve run into any obstacles to implementing your recommendations at home.
If they have, brainstorm with them some possible solutions. Based on your own past experience, as well as experiences of other families you’ve worked with, you may often know of some simple solutions that might not occur to parents. And any time you can help parents find ways to follow through on your recommendations, the result is more successful outcomes for the children you work with.

Parenthood: 30 Things My Parents Did that Made All the Difference (Part 2)

Parenting, in many regards, is difficult. It requires work, persistence, and patience. The very word parenthood is synonymous with challenges, frustrations, and responsibility. However, parents everywhere will also collectively agree that parenthood is also the source of the greatest joy, satisfaction, happiness that life has to offer. All the work, responsibility, and even challenges are worth every effort and sacrifice. In fact, perhaps the reason why we experience so much happiness through parenthood is because we develop the most important attribute of life – that of unselfishness. Ironic that we actually find our lives through the losing of them!

Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to have two incredible parents – a father and mother who loved me, cared for me, taught me, disciplined me, and truly epitomized what successful parenthood is all about.  While they were not perfect (although close), they did certain things that I feel every parent would benefit from knowing, and especially emulating. Below are listed several things they did on a consistent basis that have made all the difference in mine and my siblings lives; as well as now the lives of my own children as I seek to implement what they taught and exemplified. (Only 15 are listed in this article; however, to view the first 15, please see part 1 in the Parenthood article series):

1) Be a Friend To Everyone: My parents went to great efforts to teach us kids to love, respect, be educated about and tolerant towards, and kind to everyone. I distinctly remember them teaching me in high school to be friends with those that don’t have friends and those I normally would not be friends with. In my ignorance, I thought ‘clicks’ would somehow disappear after high school; unfortunately for us all, they still exist. Thankfully, my parents helped us kids learn early on how to be friends with, reach out to, and love and appreciate everyone regardless of our differences.

2) We Ate Together as a Family … Daily: Eating dinner together as a family each night was not so much expected of us as it was a daily tradition we all looked forward to. Dinner time was a chance to be together as a family – to talk, laugh, teach, cry, ask questions, express concerns, have family counsels or planning time, and to love.

3) Fidelity & Commitment Were Foundational: Perhaps one of the greatest reasons that marriages and families fail or fall apart is due to the fact that parents become selfish, allow the immoral influences of the media to shape their decisions, and eventually disregard virtue, responsibilities, and commitments. Thankfully, I was raised in a home where I knew and saw and never questioned my parent’s commitment to each other. In thought, word, and action – they were completely true to each other. Does that mean they never faced trials, frustrations, challenges, or temptations? Of course not! What it means is they remained true to the commitments of marriage and the responsibilities of parenthood – despite what life challenged or tempted them with. And for that, my siblings and I will forever be grateful that our parents were true to each other, and to us as a family.

4) My Mother Read to Us Kids … Every Night: I honestly don’t remember too many books or stories, nor do I really remember learning anything significant (although I am sure I did) – what I do remember was being with and feeling loved by my mother on a daily basis. 

5) We Were Involved & Balanced: Our parents went to great lengths to ensure that us kids were well-rounded, balanced, cultured, and involved. Each of us learned instruments, were involved in sports, were required to get good grades in school, participated in scouting, volunteered in community and church service, and got involved in extracurricular activities. Now, don’t think for a moment that I enjoyed practicing the piano every day, doing my homework before playing with friends, or always having to do the service projects for scouting or with church groups. (In fact, I am sure my mom hated listening to my piano practicing as much as I hated doing it). But like anything in life, we look back and express gratitude that our parents loved us enough to do the little things to teach us, ensure we were not culturally or racially ignorant, and ensure we were well-rounded and involved individuals.

6) There Was Daily Attention & Affection: I remember with fondness my mother simply playing with us kids. Rather than using the TV to babysit us, she would simply play with us, read to us, or just talk with us. She was there every day when we arrived home from school to hug us and ask how our day went. At night, and every night, our parents prayed with and for us – and sent us off to bed with a hug and a kiss. These are small things that made all the difference, because my siblings and I always felt loved, wanted, and appreciated.

7) My Parents Didn’t Live Their Dreams Through Us Kids: It is unfortunate how often I have seen a father, for example, live their boyhood dreams through their son. Failing to accomplish a dream is not shameful if you tried, and it certainly is no justification to demand and do everything to ensure a child accomplishes what you did not. How selfish and damaging to every child’s unique individual potential and desires is this all too common scenario. I personally am grateful that my parents did not live their dreams through me, and allowed me to pursue and excel at things that I found interesting, fun, and exciting.

8) Eat Everything On Your Plate: First of all, let me tell you how much I hated beets, yams, squash, and granola … but believe me when I say that I ate them (had to) every time they were served to me. My parents didn’t do this to torture me (although I felt otherwise as a child), but they obviously did it to teach me an important lesson – to not be picky. I think my parents knew that if I got my way early in life with simple things like not eating what was served to me – that most likely would translate into much larger and more worrisome things later in life. 

9) My Parents Were Involved in My Social Life: What that means is that my parents cared and were concerned with what I was doing and who I was with. They talked to me often, creating an environment where I felt comfortable to come to them with questions, concerns, or when faced with peer pressure. Our home had an ‘open home’ policy where we were encouraged and felt comfortable inviting friends over. Thus, I not only felt my parents cared, but my parents knew my friends and could thus encourage or warn me against anything they saw or sensed. Was I always receptive to their counsel as a teenager? Of course not – what teenager is? But again, I am extremely grateful that they were involved and proactive enough that rules were set, discipline happened, and consequences were enforced. Likewise, love was shown, teaching happened, warnings were given, and praise and rewards always followed.   

10) Proper Respect & Social Skills Were Taught: I remember my parents teaching me to look adults in the eye when I spoke with them, answer their questions, learn how to ask questions and hold a conversation, and to show adults proper respect.

11) ‘Mom & Dad – Can I Have Some Money’: Again, I understand and respect the fact that each parent does things differently – and each child, home, and situation is different.  Thus, as with this and every principle mentioned in this article, I am not suggesting the way my parents did things was the right or only way – it was simply one way, and a way that was effective and worked. With that said, my parents never just handed over money to us kids (whether they could or not). Life doesn’t work that way, so neither did my parents. If we ‘wanted’ something, we had to earn it. If we ‘needed’ something, that was a different story. But, when us kids had ‘wants’ – we had to earn our money, we were never just handed money. Welcome to life and reality, right!

12) Education & Grades Were Extremely Important: Our parents set the example in getting good grades, as well as both of them getting higher education and advanced degrees.  School, learning, and getting good grades was simply just part of our family culture, tradition, and expectation.

13) They Never Gave Up & Had Faith in Our Potential: As mentioned earlier, parenting is extremely difficult. It takes time, patience, and consistent effort. Regardless of the little money we had, the challenges life threw at us, the mis-behaving of us children, or even the troubling years of raising eight (yes, eight) teenagers … they never gave up on us.  They always put forth effort to teach, nurture, love, discipline, and raise us. And perhaps just as significant, in the process they instilled within us that we each were someone special and had great potential within us. They inspired and encouraged us, had faith in us, and never quit on us – regardless of how hard it must have been for them at times.

14) ‘Don’t Prepare the Path for the Child, Prepare the Child for the Path’: My parents epitomized this great counsel! 

15) Children Turn Out How You Talk To & About Them: I never remember my parents speaking unkindly to, complaining about, or talking to others in a negative way about their children. Did they at times get frustrated, upset, or disappointed? Of course – welcome to parenthood! But they always tried to build, compliment, and praise us kids.  Comparatively, a close friend my wife and I know is always talking negatively to and about her children (even with her children right there in front of her). As can be expected, this mother is experiencing some major problems with the behavior of her children.  Why? I believe it is because these children are simply becoming what they hear their mother saying to and about them.

16) Most Importantly – God Was First in Their Marriage, Our Home, & Our Family: Again, I understand and respect the fact that many reading this article may not necessarily have a belief in God. However, that does not negate the fact that this very principle was the foundational aspect of my parents successful marriage, the feeling in our home, and the reason my family has turned out the way it has. We put God first in all things, and as a result, everything else seemed to work out.